I'm Still 39 Damn It (if only for a few more hours)

Sophie Tucker would sing, "Yes, life begins at forty and I've just begun to live all over again."

Sophie was born in January 1884 and died in February 1966. Nine months later (Nov. 15, 1966 @ 4:15 AM CST) I was born. Coicidence? I wonder.

You see, I ADORE Sophie Tucker. She lived 82 years and performed until just months before her death. She raised money for something she believed in...the new state of Israel. She celebrated life, embraced her sexuality without apology, and laughed in the face of fear-based, body-loathing, sex-negative mores. Even overweight, middle aged, and sporting features that were not classically beautiful, she could still boldly affirm that she was "the last of the Red Hot Mammas." And, she managed to attract three husbands along the way, so a few other people must have found her pretty appealing as well.

Why all this musing about my patron saint, St. Sophie (not to be confused with "Sophia" - the ancient feminine figure of Wisdom, though, Sophie could play that role as well)? Because in about 5 hours, I will no longer be 30-Something.

I bounce between 196 and 208 pounds (currently holding at about 203), but my inner homo is still a slender 168. I still have my hair, but its salt & pepper hues continuously mock me. I recently had to get a stronger eye glass prescription. And, I visit the chiropractor the way my grandmother used to visit her hair dresser - WEEKLY. Fat, graying, stiff and achey...Happy Birthday to me.

The truth is my life is very full. I've visited 13 countries so far (I love to travel). I've managed to earn two master's degrees and I've lived in some amazing places: the Ouachita Mountains, Dallas, New York, Ft. Lauderdale. I have some wonderful friends and I love every minute of the work that I do. I have a wonderful life partner and I lived to see the medical advances that make HIV chronic rather than terminal.

And yet, for all that is wonderful in my life and for all the ways that I seem to be living my dreams, birthdays make me question if I've done enough, and if what I have accomplished happened soon enough. I don't have children, so I wonder what my piece of immortality will be. What is my legacy? What is the something that shows the world was better for my showing up?

Of course, I'm probably wicked shallow to even care about such things. My cats just eat and sleep and play and seem to have no concern about whether there is or should be any more to life. But my brain is a bit larger than theirs', so I ponder these things.

Usually my postings have a point. I want to challenge people to think, or provide some comfort to someone, or inspire people to take some action. But not tonight. Tonight my posting is just for me. As I move into another decade, realizing that under the best of circumstances my life is almost half over (and with less wonderful circumstances, well, it goes without saying...), I just need to peck out my middle aged blues.

Oh, that brings me back to Sophie. Sophie got gray. Sophie got fat. Sophie got old. But Sophie seemed to know that she was fierce! And in my better moments, I have that. In weaker moments, I can summon her strength and it becomes my own. Maybe I'm the reincarnation of her. Maybe her energy recycled into my consciousness so she could continue to live through me. Maybe she's long gone and its just my fantasy that my life is in anyway connected to hers. But whatever the case may be, she gives me hope and I am determined to affirm in her words, "Life begins at forty and I'm living all over again."

Here's to the next 40 years. I hope they are as full and as meaningful as I imagine Sophie's were. And, as a wiser and more mature 40 year old, my next post will return to the higher purpose of sharing a message. But in my final moments of 30dom, I wanted to indulge in some whining. Sophie forgive me.

This Just In, God is Real

God is real. How do I know? I just decided. It really is that easy. Belief is a habitual thought, and I have thought about God for my entire life. So, it's easy enough to declare, "I believe in God." And if I believe in something, it is real to me.

Now, beyond "God is" I don't have much to say. I mean, it seems clear to me that Something must be ultimately real. But what do I know? If, however, Something is ultimately real, that Something can be called "god" as easily as anything else. Universe, the divine, spirit, the eternal, goddess, the gods, divine mind, the infinite, the whole, first cause, and life-force are also all good words. God/goddess/you-name-it doesn't care what we call it. We invented language, we can use it however we see fit. "God" points toward ultimate reality as well as any other word, so I'm happy enough to stick with it. You, of course, get to choose your word. I'm sure it will work just as well.

Now, is god a symbol for beauty and hope and life? Sure. Why not?
Is god the personification of moral action? Sounds good to me.
Is god the energy of life that creates and expresses itself in more ways that we can ever notice. I'll buy it.
Is god an impersonal but conscious and self-aware presence that manifests as what we know as the material world? Again, I can't say that it ain't.

Since the word "god" points beyond itself to something supreme and mysterious, and since it signifies whatever we choose to say it does, its pretty hard to say it doesn't exist. It's everything, and like everything else, it's more than the sum of its parts. It's conceptual, its emotional, its experiential. It's "isness." And isness seems self-evident.

So, by the authority vested in me by the god of my ever unfolding understanding, I pronounce god to be real. And while I'm pontificating, I also declare that god is good and kind and generous and loves everyone unconditionally. God has no hang-ups, no prejudices, and doesn't prefer one race to the others, one country to the others, or one religion to the others.

My declaration, just like the declarations of the Mormon Church, the Catholic Church, the Southern Baptist Church, and every other religious institution is just the articulation of human thought. But my declaration doesn't damn anyone to hell, promote oppression against anyone, or pretend that God is a person who is privileging me with insider information. So, if you're going to believe anyone other than yourself about what and if God is, then take it from me. Because my version will never start a war or marginalize someone because of race, gender, or sexual orientation. And if you're going to have a god, shouldn't it be one that doesn't create havoc and devastation?

God is real, only if God is good; and God is good only if its goodness is all-inclusive and unconditional. That's a god, whether empirical or imaginary, that I can embrace and promote. And I do.

Sir Elton Says Religion is Load of Crap

"Organized religion doesn't seem to work. It turns people into really hateful lemmings and it's not really compassionate." - Sir Elton John

That's the word from gay songstress and composer, Sir Elton. He says that religion has proven to be useless in the promotion of peace and actually is a primary cause of anti-gay prejudice and the damage that results from it. Sadly, I can't argue with him.

But here's the thing...government also has a disappointing history, as does the family, the free market economy, and the educational system. And yet, religion, government, family, economics, and education are the 5 basic social institutions of every society.

It's too easy to say, "let's ban religion." Because it ain't gonna happen. The bigger challenge, and more important task, is to reform religion. And let's not stop with religion; let's reform society and all the institutions that make it up. If any institution is being used as an instrument of oppression or an obstacle to enlightenment, let's change the system.

I'm not saying it's easy, and in fact, it may be as impossible as eliminating the building blocks of society. But the truth is, as one who has chosen to cling to religion in spite of how many have tried to use it against me, I have seen how religion done well can be a symbol of hope, an invitation to community, a method of healing, a tool of empowerment.

Government hasn't always been my friend, but I still vote; in fact, that's a chief reason WHY I vote. My family of origin had a rocky beginning, but the people I call my family now are a source of comfort and joy to me. Religion hasn't always done me proud, but when it has been effective, it has added something wonderful to my life.

Institutions go wrong. That's why they need us to participate in them to get them back on the queer and broad (rather than straight and narrow) path.

Once Again, Gay Bashing For Jesus

You must have heard about the Houston landscapers who refused to work for a gay couple. A same-gender couple simply called up the landscapers to do some work for them. On the phone they scheduled an appointment, but the landscapers later emailed the gay would-be clients to cancel the appointments and to say they didn't do business with gay people.

Of course, the notion that they don't do business with gay people is ridiculous. The man and wife landscaping team figured out that these two men were gay because they lived together and one referred to the other as "my partner." But how many bisexuals, closeted gay people, and single gay people who simply never bring it up do they do business with?

And here's the thing. Let's say you've never read a book or taken a psychology class or had a close friendship with someone who was gay. Let's say in the area of sexual diversity you are completely clueless and you have decided that people who are attracted to others of their same gender are somehow flawed. This means you can't take their money? This means you can't help beautify their property? What stand have you really taken? What point have you really made?

Let's say you aren't just homophobic. Let's pretend that you believe in abstinence before marriage, you disagree with drinking alcohol, and you somehow beleive that Jesus is your ticket to the afterlife Country Club. Does that mean you won't work for single people who have active sex lives? Does that mean you won't work for people who have a well stocked wine rack or beer in the fridge? Does that mean you won't work for a Buddhist, an atheist, or a Muslim? Doing business only with people who share your beliefs, prejudices, and world view could make you pretty poor pretty fast.

I'm sorry that Mr. and Mrs. Self-Righteous Landscaper aren't comfortable with "out" gay people. I'm glad they are so financially secure they don't need or want gay people's money. But I hope they aren't fooling themselves into believe their actions were about morality. Their heterosexist, unenlightened, and frankly unreasonable choice to discriminate against a gay couple only served to perpetuate ill will and hurt feelings. Even if they did it for Jesus, they still only added a bit more hatred to the world. I'm sure Jesus could do without that.

1 in 10 Are Gay; 6 in 10 Are Obsessed with That Fact

So, I'm reading a magazine and find an article that says the Episcopal Church has lost a butt load of people over the last three years because a tiny, cold diocese at the top of the map elevated an already out gay priest to the position of bishop. The Anglican world hasn't recovered yet, and the American branch of that Communion has had a dip in numbers. Because an already ordained, already out gay man was made a bishop - not the first gay bishop, just the first honest gay bishop. And because Gene Robinson lives in a stable and loving relationship with another man in New Hampshire, Episcopalians in Texas and Virginia abandon ship. The logic escapes me. But then, homophobia isn't about logic; its about fear and hatred.

Bored with my magazine, I check my email. In my inbox is a commentary about Ted Haggard. The electronic article points out that disgraced evangelical gay basher (and, as it turns out, gay or at least bisexual man) Ted Haggard was caught having paid a male escort for sex, but he readily admitted to buying an illegal substance that has damaged the health of countless gay men in recent years. What brought him down? Not his use of an illegal, addictive, and deleterious substance, but his alleged same-gender sexual affair. What does that say about our society that honestly couldn't care less if the poor man was throwing away his money and his health on drugs but couldn't toss his butt out of his church fast enough for doing the naughty with another man? Two adult men had a consensual encounter (whether it was an erotic massage or more) and that destroyed a man's career. I might understand if it damaged his marriage. I have little sympathy for a gay man who projects his own self-loathing out to make life difficult for other gay people. But I do have compassion for anyone who is abused because of their sexual orientation.

I hope and honestly pray that rather than beating himself up over "falling from grace" or "committing a sin" or "being tempted by the devil" or any such theological low blows, that Mr. Haggard will say to himself, "Maybe I betrayed my wife because who I really am is a gay man. I should apologize to myself and to her for living a lie that has now hurt our entire family, but I am not sorry for being who I am. I won't try to change myself by oppressing others like me who have embraced their truth more readily any longer." I know, I'm praying for a miracle on the scale of walking on water or turning water into wine, but that's me, the eternal optimist.

And now, the Catholic bishops will vote next week on finding kinder, gentler ways of telling homosexuals that they are sub-human. Does anyone detect a running theme here?

Enough with the gay bashing. Enough with the out of control fears of anything sexual or anyone who dares talk openly about sex. The Good News of Jesus Christ isn't about policing zippers. If you honestly believe you have the gift of celibacy, then enjoy your gift (it's a gift that I would want to exchange, but that's just me). If you are in a monogamous relationship, honor your commitment and live happily ever after. If your relationship has a complex set of rules that allows for more than one sexual partner, then play by those rules. But in any case, live out your sexuality in ways that enrich your life and stop blaming phobias and guilt and shame on God. Wars and disease and executions and violent crime and environmental devastation are all surely keeping the divine Mystery busy enough. We needn't be so self-absorbed as to think with all that is going on in the world that God has the time or inclination to be a peeping Tom peering into our bedrooms. God isn't Mrs. Kravitz, obsessively staring through windows and clucking her tongue at what she sees.

I'm almost flattered that the Catholics, the Anglicans, and the Fundamentalists are all so interested in my sex life (well, not mine specifically, but you know what I mean). But their obsession with the gay "other" (which often borders on a voyeuristic fetish) is hurting their own cause, hurting families, and distracting everyone from the Gospel - the Good News of God's ALL INCLUSIVE and UNCONDITIONAL Love.

GOP: The Gay Old Patriarchy (Catholicism that is)

We all know there are gay priests and bishops in the Catholic Church. Many of us know many of those gay clerics. Rumors and statistical probability all suggest there have even been gay popes. In fact, from the safe distance of antiquity, we can even name about half a dozen very active gay popes. And, its no surprise. If the priesthood is to be a boys only club, it is bound to attract those boys who like to be around other boys. Add to the mix institutional power and fabulous vestments and you have a homosexual's dream come to life.

That the Church is filled with so many obvious gay men is not surprising. What is surprising is that this cheap gay romance novel continues to insult and condemn gay and lesbian persons.

Not all priests are gay, of course. Just like not all male hair burners are gay. Not all Broadway male dancers are gay. Not all male florists are gay. But the priesthood, like these other professions, do seem to attract a noticeably large amount of gays. The old joke about Talullah Bankhead stopping a priest at St. Patrick's during the processional of a midnight mass when she supposedly said, "Dahling, I love your dress but your purse is on fire!" is funny because it rings true!!! Father is often a sister (sissie for short), and it just seems absurd to deny it.

Do I care? As a gay clergy person myself, I certainly do not believe being gay should disqualify one from the priesthood (or any othe profession). Its the hypocrisy that I mind.

Next week, the U.S. Catholic Bishops will vote on a document that is meant to be more welcoming of gay people. The new policy will allow gay couples to have their children baptized. It will allow gay persons to come out to a priest and to attend Mass, but the Church will continue to maintain that homosexuality is disordered and it will continue to deny openly gay people positions of leadership. Healthy homosexuals who are self-actualized with self-esteem need not apply. Now there's a message!

The ecclesiastical version of Don't Ask Don't Tell is not a new policy. Hiding, lying, living on the religious down low has always been an option. The Church is not welcoming same-gender loving people. It is patronizing (and therefore demeaning)those who refuse to leave and making its many gay priests live a lie. This can hardly be the Apostolic Church of Jesus Christ. It certainly does not properly represent the rich spiritual traditions that exist within this flawed and oppressive political system. Rather, it seems like the worst of the Roman Empire continuing to thrive. Rome never fell; it just changed its name to Catholicism. Maybe its time for a new Reformation.

The Pope Offends Me

The Pope insults me, and I have a few choice words and gestures for him as well.

In case you haven't heard, a Gay Pride Parade is scheduled to take place in Jerusalem in a couple of days and the Vatican is asking the Israeli government to ban the parade because it is likely to offend religious people.

Excuse me?! This is where I usually try to be diplomatic and politically correct and mature and professional and avoid a variety of adolescent and semi-obscene retorts. But I must confess, I'm sorely tempted.

I know Jerusalem is a holy city. I know it is revered by at least three religions. I also know that its holiness is in no way endangered when people claim their human dignity and call for their equal rights in its hallowed streets.

The Vatican has used its influence and perceived authority to discourage condom use globally use in spite of almost 3 decades of AIDS.

The Vatican has imposed celibacy on its clergy that has caused not only loneliness for those who have managed to practice it but the worst of ethical break downs for those who could not. I have personally known many priests and nuns who have taken a vow of celibacy while engaging in normal, adult, sexual behavior in private. Sometimes that behavior was with a committed partner, sometimes it was with a variety of casual partners. But in any case, they were forced to hide and lie because of an unreasonable and unnecessary expectation that they claim to be non-sexual in order to perform ministry.

When the dishonest and secretive practices of forced celibacy caused such poor mental and spiritual health that priests acted out in ways that were abusive and demeaning to themselves and others, the Church responded for decades by covering up the behavior and by failing to properly discipline the offenders while also refusing to change the expectation of celibacy.

I won't even go into the misogyny promoted by an all male priesthood. But the point is, the Vatican long ago forfeited the moral authority to condemn anyone's ontology. The Church both labels homosexuality as "disordered" and says that we poor, wretched, "disordered" beings should be treated with compassion. How compassionate is it to deny freedom of expression because it might offend someone's sex-negative assumptions, prejudices, or social privilege?!

The Vatican claims that freedom of expression should be subject to "just limits." Well, guess what? For a bunch of self-loathing, closeted gay men in liturgical drag to claim to be offended by "out" lesbians and gays voicing their pride and calling for equality is not by any standard of reason "just." Be offended if you like, but also feel free to get over it!

Be offended by war. Be offended by the unfair distribution of wealth. Be offended by those who have power and privilege but who do not use their good fortune to uplift those of lower station. Be offended by bigotry. Be offended by policies that sell out peace or the environment for the sake of a few mega-rich families. Be offended by fascism that disguises itself as religion or security or values. But don't try to dehumanize same-gender loving people in the name of religion. No one gets to be offended that I exist or that I demand the right to live my life in the open with all the freedoms and dignities afforded to non-gay people. And if I do offend you, then please know that your homophobia offends me.

Meanwhile, march on my queer sisters and brothers! Bless the holy city with the passion of your cries for justice.