Confessions of a Struggling Optimist

Optimism is a choice for me. It isn't "natural"...that is, I didn't learn it in my home or school or even in the church of my youth. Because I was already a young adult when I embraced New Thought philosophy (the idea that we can take control of our habitual thinking and thereby improve the conditions of our lives), I had long established/programmed thought habits that fed into anxiety, shame, regret, and dread. 

As a child and young adult, I worried about almost everything. I saw the world as a challenging place where every good thing and every success could only come by means of struggle. Added to the habitually negative way of viewing the world that I was taught was a family history of depression. I not only "learned" anxiety, in some ways, I biologically inherited it!

Additionally, I was a gay child in a super conservative, fundamentalist Christian region of the country, where fear (fear of God, fear of Hell, fear of punishment, fear of not being good enough, fear of gays!) was practically in the water supply...it seemed ubiquitous, natural, normal, and inescapable. So feelings of anxiety, loneliness, and low self-esteem all seemed to come naturally to me; those feelings certainly dominated my mind for the first 20 years of life (and have paid unwanted visits from time to time ever since).

But I did discover the idea that there is a universal power that flows through and expresses as all life, that this power is the energy of life, the "stuff" from which we are made, and by changing our thoughts and attitudes and expectations we can tap into that power and direct it more usefully for our benefit (rather than unintentionally using it to reinforce our fears). If such a power exists and can be used for our benefit, then hope is reasonable, and I decided to become a person of hope. 

So for almost 30 years I have been an avowed optimist. But that doesn't mean that the first 20 years of programming went away. Some days, I still struggle. My struggles are now aided by the assurance that things will get better, that I deserve for them to get better, and that I have the ability to weather the current storm (real or imagined) and see brighter days again. The struggle doesn't last as long, or occur as frequently, but it does still happen.

I still have work to do. To this day, when I experience inward turmoil, or outer challenges, a negative voice rises within me accusing me of being a fraud: "How can I be an optimist if I'm dreading the doctor visit, or sad that someone didn't appreciate me, or worried about the success of a project?" Those old negative tapes still exist. They are buried, the volume is turned down, but they are still in storage in my subconscious. 

Usually, when I feel badly about feeling badly, I am able to remind myself that optimism isn't a choice I made 30 years ago; it's a decision that I FIRST made 30 years, and it's a choice I must continue to make daily. When I remind myself of this, I start to forgive myself for being overly critical of myself, and I begin again affirming my value, daring to know that things can, ought to, and must get better, and I start remembering the many things for which I can be grateful. I start to see the good that outweighs the bad, the good that the bad can't take away, the good that is waiting for me beyond the bad...sometimes, I even notice that the bad isn't as bad as I first imagined. 

I share this because optimism saved my life. It got me through bouts of depression, including the worst bout of my life about 5 years ago. It also helped me cope with spinal defects, get my weight under control, and even live a healthy life, in spite of a chronic diagnosis, for a couple of decades now. Optimism has helped me survive professional challenges, has made it possible for me to see 22 countries so far, earn multiple degrees, and find and share my life with the true love of my life. 

I believe in optimism, I depend on optimism, and I am grateful for optimism. And I know as well as anyone that optimism is a daily choice, there can be set backs, and it may not come naturally to some of us. But just because we have some troubling days or some old thought habits pay us an unwanted visit, that doesn't make us frauds or failures...that just reminds us (to borrow from A Course in Miracles) to "choose once again." When we hit a rough patch, that's when we need optimism the most, and we can choose the power of optimism again.

There remains a universal power, we are part of it and it is part of us, and we can use it to improve our lives. We can remind ourselves of this fact as often as we need to, and as we do, things start to get better again. So, I remain an optimist. Some days it takes more effort than others, but I still believe that it's worth the effort. And so it is.

Sharing a Colleague's Wise Words (about Privilege)

“Talking about privilege is difficult, if it makes you uncomfortable that's probably a good thing. Growth is uncomfortable. Let's all examine the places we have privilege. Are you white? Are you able-bodied? Are you not trans? Are you a man? Are you straight? Are you financially comfortable? Are you well educated? These aren't things that should make you feel shame! But if you are in these categories (especially if you are in most of these categories) please have some awareness about those whose lives are complicated simply by not being you.” Rev Jakob Hero (MCC minister/hospital chaplain)

Choosing Our Destiny

Healing Rays: A Progressive, Positive, Practical Weekly Reflection
by Durrell Watkins
August 3, 2009

"We build our future, thought by thought,
For good or ill, yet know it not.
Yet so the universe was wrought.
Thought is another name for fate;
Choose then thy destiny and wait,
For love brings love and hate brings hate." - Henry Van Dyke

My grandmother was an elementary school teacher. But she didn't become a teacher in the conventional way. She didn't go from high school to college and start teaching at 22. She got married at 17 and decided to go to college two years later. It was during WW2 and there was a teacher shortage. She entered a special program that allowed one to get a teaching certificate without a degree. She went to college for one year and then started teaching. Of course, after the war, the state raised the standards for teachers so that within a few years all teachers were required to have a Bachelor's degree again. However, those who had received the non-degree certificate where allowed to keep teaching (but they were paid less than degreed teachers).

My grandmother decided she wanted to complete the degree, so every summer for 10 years she went to school until finally she did complete her Bachelor of Science in Education degree. Her sister got her degree in the exact same way and went on to earn a Master of Education degree, and their brother earned a Bachelor's degree and two Masters' degrees after serving as a pilot in WW2. All three retired from the profession of teaching.

What's the point of this bit of family nostalgia? Just that these relatives demonstrated to me that achieving goals may not be quick or easy, but that doesn't mean they aren't possible. We may have to find creative ways to achieve our goals. We may have to wait years before our dreams are fully realized. But deciding on a goal, believing it is possible and remaining committed to it until it is realized however long it takes is the recipe for ultimate success. By choosing to be committed, optimistic, and determined and by not giving up too soon, we may find that we are able to do exactly what we had always wished was possible. As it turns out, most of what we wish for really is possible. Our job is to "choose then [our] destiny and wait..." Let's keep moving forward toward our goals!


Rev. Durrell Watkins, D.Min.
Sunshine Cathedral
www.sunshinecathedral.org

Dare to Begin!

I have a friend who has diabetes. She struggles with her weight and she believes that if she could control her weight her diabetes would improve. But she won't seek support in her weight loss efforts. She won't join an exercise class because she's embarrassed to be in a class with people who are more fit. Consequently, her fitness doesn't improve. She won't join Weight Watchers or Nutrisystems or some other supportive organization because she's afraid others might lose more rapidly than she will or that friends will think she is weak for needing the extra help. So, she tries to diet alone but she won't tell her friends. They would of course want to encourage her, but she's afraid she'll fail and then they will judge her harshly for not sticking with it. Her fears keep her from making important efforts that could prove beneficial. And, the weight remains; the diabetes rages, and she remains stuck in a situation that leaves her unhappy.

I'm not picking on my friend. Many of us struggle with weight or health or other life issues. I'm sympathetic to her plight. The point in bringing up her situation is that fear of failure keeps her from trying things, and the refusal to try limits her opportunities for success.

After I finished my Bachelor's degree, I pursued ordination. My denomination did not at the time require a Master's degree and after taking classes from an unaccredited institution and doing an extensive internship, I was ordained. But I always regretted not having a master's degree. After seven years, I finally enrolled in seminary.

Fear that others would judge me for not doing it sooner and fear that as a working adult I wouldn't be able to be a good student had kept me from trying. And as long as I didn't try, I continued to be without a graduate degree. Finally, with the encouragement of a counselor, I took one class and then another. I left seminary to pursue a secular Master of Arts degree (and loved every minute of it), and then, returned to seminary to finish a Master of Divinity degree. I now have two masters' degrees and I'm pursuing a Doctor of Ministry degree. If I hadn't wasted 7 years being afraid, I might have that doctorate already. But fear sabotaged my goals until I risked failure and thereby enjoyed success.

When we imagine the worst case scenario without also imagining more promising possibilities, we limit our options. When we are so afraid of failure that we won't try to succeed, we can't succeed. When in the name of being safe we wind up doing nothing, nothing winds up being our reward. I've seen it. I've lived it. I know.

Fears pop up. They seem to have a life of their own sometimes, but how we respond to them is where we find or lose our power. Enroll in that one class. Show up that first day at the Weight Watchers office. Take that first step. It may not be easy, it may not even work out. But how is not taking the step working out for you? The status quo is risky too. By doing nothing we risk stagnation, decline, boredom, regret...Why not do the thing that has the possibility of paying off? And if it doesn't, wasn't it an exciting adventure to try?

I have two friends who tried to be dancers in New York. The City was frenetic, of course, and living conditions were harsh for the struggling artists. Competition for jobs in their field was fierce. After a difficult time, both left, one for Arkansas, the other for Texas.

The one who went to Texas taught dance in a studio and danced with a local professional company. She wound up living her dream even though New York didn't work out. She always had her stories about her days in New York, and she had her success as a dancer in Texas.

The dancer who settled in Arkansas also started teaching, both in a studio and in a university. She, too, had great stories about her New York adventure, and she, too, lived her dream of dancing, teaching and choreographing professionally. Both dancers "tried" to "make it" in New York. They didn't do especially well in New York, but because they tried they went on to do very well in other places...and they got to be proud of their bold effort in New York as well.

Whatever the goal or the dream is, no matter how difficult it is or how long it may take to achieve, dare to try. There is power in the effort and where it will lead may be amazing. At least effort will lead somewhere, whereas refusing to try leads nowhere. Let's dare to begin!