I Strongly Oppose Corporal Punishment

"When a child hits a child, we call it aggression. When a child hits an adult we call it hostility. When an adult hits an adult, we call it assault. When an adult hits a child, we call it discipline.” Haim G. Ginott

A Queer kid in a hostile environment (homophobic bible belt), life was lonely and frightening for me (my grandmothers and a great-aunt provided much needed refuge). It got better once I knew what the rest of the world suspected (that my loafers were permanently light), because then I could embrace, own, and celebrate my truth. Self-discovery brings great courage and even joy. 

But as a child, with no one to understand my "difference", life was not easy. And, being reared in an environment where "switches" (nature's riding crops) and belts (and the not infrequent slap and occasional choke hold) were considered acceptable forms of punishment (though, the intensity of the punishment had more to do with the punisher's anger than with the so-called punishable offense), not even home ever felt safe.

Years of therapy, spiritual work, and direct dealing led to healing and to more reconciliation than I ever thought possible, but I have been a life-long opponent of hitting children. I believe that parents who hit believe they are doing what is right, that they were similarly punished as children (its the never ending cycle of violence), and that in spite of the harm they inflict on their children, they really do love them. But I know (not just from social science but from lived experience) that terrorizing children with the threat of physical abuse does a lot of harm. As a gay child where there was no safe place in the world to be, not feeling safe at home only led to intense feelings of isolation, loneliness, and despair. I would spare all children that pain if I could.

Loving And Letting Go

There is family, and there are relatives. Sometimes they are the same people, but not always and not necessarily. When people cut you out of their lives, sometimes without caring enough to even tell you, that's them struggling with their insecurities, fears, self-loathing, or regrets. Don't take it on. If they love their politics, their money, their religion, or their bigotries more than you, that is their deficit, not yours.

And, if people are happy to keep you in their lives but mostly as an emotional punching bag, then don't take on guilt if you need to walk away. You can do it without bitterness and with an openness to future reconciliation, but love doesn't mean being anyone's doormat.

Love yourself and be thankful for those who love you (as you are, not as they insist you should be), but don't let yourself be too miserable if the ones who do love you aren't the ones you once thought were "supposed to."

In the end, the silly games, dramas, and petty conflicts won't matter to any of us, except for the time they caused us to waste.