Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Halloween (from the Prince of Darkness)

Hail and greetings!

It's Halloween, so I thought this might be a good time for me to check in.
Who am I? The Source of all Evil, of course! The Devil, the Boogey-Man, Light Jazz, call me what you will. But the important thing is that I'm bad news and my job is to screw up all that is wholesome and hopeful and joyous in the world. How am I doing so far?

The truth is, I don't really exist. You've heard television preachers scream, "the devil is a liar," right? Well, that's almost the case. Really, the devil is a LIE. You made me up, but until you decide you don't need me anymore, I guess I'll keep spreading my mischief. What else is a devil to do?

Oh, sure, I mess around here and there with some e-coli contaminated spinach, traffic jams, and Mel Gibson films, but that's just my minor mischief when I get bored. I also do some major damage. Seriously, I'm up to no good.

Now, I don't cause the homo-hatred that results in gays and lesbians being harassed and killed in Jamaica. I don't cause the rampant fear that keeps people from getting tested for HIV or from using condoms so that they spread disease and havoc across entire communities. I don't cause the misogyny that insists that God is a boy's name and that women can't be priests. I don't even cause senseless wars that kill, maim, and terrorize people across the planet. I just can't take credit for all that chaos. No, all that's on the human family. Fear, hatred, bigotry, oppression - that's people stuff. You created it. You perpetuate it. You can fix it.

But I will take credit for the dishonest distractions that keep you from dealing with the real issues. I'm the lie that suggests that same-gender loving people endanger the institution of marriage, an institution that is already so out of vogue that spats and bustles are more likely to make a come-back than it is. More couples live together unmarried than married, and of those who do marry, half will divorce. But I'm the little fib that says that chronically ill institution is somehow endangered by people of the same gender who want to sail on that sinking ship. Aren't I a stinker?

I can also take credit for the whoppers that get you focused on what people do in their bedrooms with consenting partners so that you forget about things like poverty, injustice, war, disease, environmental devastation, and corporate greed. When those really important issues go unaddressed and therefore cause turmoil throughout the world, my agenda is being served. So keep up the silliness. Better (for me) that you should squabble over the 10% or less of the population who are gay than to work for peace, justice, welfare, and equal opportunity.

And here's my biggest success: the lie that your vote doesn't matter. I love it when people stay home on election day. I love it when people don't educate themselves about the issues and when they don't hold their government leaders accountable. That's when my evil genius is at its best. I'm all atwitter with delight just thinking of who all will be under served, under represented, and under appreciated just because they didn't bother to let their vote and voice be heard on election day.

I'm pretty busy for someone who doesn't exist. Of course, I don't really exist. I only represent evil, evil that the human conscience and character could eliminate overnight. But until people wake up and make what I represent disappear (and thereby get rid of me as well), I'll still spread my naughty lies, and on slow days, some more e-coli.

Happy Halloween.

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